Weevils are hotter than a five alarm dumpster fire
You’re traveling through another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That’s a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the Weevils Zone! Submitted for your approval an epic tale of the saga between good and evil, light and dark, good smelling and stinky, big and small. Ladies and Gentlemen I introduce to you, the Weevils.
Not in recent memory has there been such an anticipated match up between two opponents with the outcome as crucial to continuance of life as man knows it. Last nights match up of the Weevil Nation vs. last seasons champs the Blues, aka Vincent’s of Wake Forest, aka My Cousin Vinny’s team, aka the Gabbadouches, was reminiscent of the Greeks at Troy, the Romans vs. the Goths, the U.S. Marines in Iwo Jima, Ali vs. Frazier and Rosie vs. Elisabeth Hasselback. Both teams entered the iron cage with sterling 4-0 records, but only one would come out on top. Who would be the John Holmes and who would be the poor runaway trying to scrape up a few bucks to sustain herself while she patiently waits for her acting career to take off?
The night started out well for the Weevils, with their entire roster showing up with the exception of Big Todd Huevos, who was out due to an over seas trip to Thailand for a polishing. With their limos dropping them off on either side of the rink, Pinet, escorted by his lovely girlfriend ran into BMoore and his lovely girlfriend, Hollifield. Upon this chance meeting Pinet was quoted as saying “its funny, I stepped out of the Limo and immediately, I smelled domination” The two checked their respective entourages at the door and headed for the war room.
During our routine ritualistic pregame rituals, Weevils VP of Marketing Research and Merchandising Kevin Universal proposed new jerseys for your beloved Weevils. He had several graphs and pie charts, all very official to show that we need new sweaters, not only to increase our fan base but disassociate ourselves from former weevils (Pslow, Dave Deschampensteinburgblaum, and Johan Straussenvissensson). After a heated debate we slaughtered the customary goat and made peace. Also in an effort to promote team unity Mad Cow Beckett gave all the Weevil rooks new black sweaters which matched perfectly with our burgundy coveralls. However at Bargain Shack Joe’s he was only able to procure the jerseys in the following sizes: Adult Large, Adult XXL, and Starr Jones making them slightly ungainly for our trimmed up and an extremely chiseled Weevil bodies.
To the ice…. Once again our beloved hometown Weevils warmed up to the delight of their extremely large fan base consisting of the lovely Ms. Hollifield, a homeless drunk, and one other she-male. Everything seemed on the up and up, Sattora was stretching out his taint, Tom “the balloon knot” Brown eye was practicing missing the net, and Cow was out grazing in the corner. Then all of the sudden the lights dimmed, the smoke machines kicked in, and the music began pouring out of the overhead arena speakers. The Weevils were stunned as ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” roared to life. Then as the smoke cleared a platoon of little people poured out onto the ice, kind of like when you kick an anthill and thousand of those little buggers come crawling out.
Immediately the Weevils sent their CEO of Research and Scouting back to locker room to link up his laptop to the pointsreak.com and see just who we were playing. Skatch came back with some bad news. Unbeknownst to the Weevils, Vincent’s Pizzeria had contracted the entire Super Mario Nintendo franchise to play for them. We were awestruck as Mario followed by Luigi, Toad, the Princess, Wario, a few Koopa Troopa’s, and yes even Yoshi stepped out onto the ice. What were going to do? How would we be able to beat a team whose entire roster combined was still shorter than Jason Mihalik? Skatch later reported they didn’t have a single player over 3’7”.
The bell rang and from the opening face-off the Lilliputians were all over the Weev’s, their tiny feet scampering this way and that beating us to every loose puck. Their very compact and aerodynamic bodies allowing them to plane at high speeds across the ice. At the 3 and ½ minute mark Skatch was called for hooking Grumpy and that started the Weevils procession to the sin bin. Skatch ended up with 4 penalties, Neil with 3, Mihalik with 2, and 1 each for Cow, Gensch, Uni, and Zarbs. It was later discovered those sly toddlers from the Blues had placed some delicious finger sandwiches and shiny objects for Neil in the penalty box to guarantee a few return trips. It didn’t help of course that Weevils berated one particular ref for his past involvement with the band New Kids on the Block. That’s right an out of work, drunk, depressed and volatile Joey McIntyre was the celebrity referee for the night. Joey was in no mood to “hang tough” and repeatedly put the Weevils down a man and on three occasions down two. Apparently the Weevils didn’t have the “Right Stuff” as he displayed his love for the smurfs all night long.
On a rare Weevils power play, the little blue men were able to steal the puck carry it down the ice and deposit the puck in the back of our net. The goal was credited to Gary Coleman with assists to Emmanuel Lewis, and Brainy Smurf. No matter how hard we tried were unable to get any discernable offense starting against those angry little men. Then half way thru the period the Weevils were able to get a good bounce and deposited the frozen cow pie in the net. Tom Brown was able to slip it through the goalies legs on sick pass from Aaron “you don’t have to call me darling” Vedder, no easy feat considering the gap between a midgets legs is barely big enough to slide a marble through. A sudden boost of enthusiasm could be felt all along the bench, which we later found out was actually gas seeping out of Rich Gensch causing the bench to vibrate.
On another late penalty against the Weevils, the Belows (Blues) were able to score again, this time it was Frodo depositing the One Ring in our Mt. Doom, with an assist to Gollum to take a 2-1 lead going into the second.
During the second period the Weevils switched their rusty bike chain from low to high gear and stepped up our play on both sides of the ice. In an attempt to get in the opposing goalies head, Tom the Whale eye, Henzi Kwan Sattorasan, and the BMoore threw every evil epitaph that came to their sick and demented minds at the poor old old old man. BMoore warned him not to break a hip, while Sattorasan reminded Papa Smurf that his red hat went out of style 99 years ago. The goalie promptly replied by shutting down both Bmoore and Sattora on consecutive breakaways to preserve the hop-along gangs one goal lead. He reminded Bmoore to respect his elders, and BMoore agreed to do so since he told the goalie he only had one year left anyways.
Shortly after on another Blues power play, Kevin Smith & Wesson streaks down the ice pulls up at the blue line, casually strolls to the circles, makes note of the wind patterns, lie of the ice and distance to twine and laces a bullet to the back of the net. Patrick Zarby described the goal as such “Did you see that s@*% ? He put that puck in a credit card slot!” Kevin’s Snipe ties the game at two and sets off a touchdown dance that would have made Terrell Owens proud. He followed up his 2 and ½ minute routine with a Lambeau leap into the Weevils bench. The outraged midgets responded quickly, by copying the North Koreans and digging a tunnel underneath Michelle’s left leg pad, sneaking into the demilitarized zone and putting the puck in the net, once again taking a one goal lead. Michelle was upset as was the whole team at the late whistle by Joey McIntyre who was too busy braiding his rat-tail to pay attention to the on ice action. Michelle was quoted as saying “I don’t like these little guys, their hands smell like cabbage.”
The very next shift the Weevils answer with two goals to take the lead. The first goal was by Bmoore who was sick of giving everyone else assists and decided to give himself one by banking one of the goalie and swatting in out of air on a backhand. On the following face-off the Weevils stormed down the ice again, this time it was Sattora calling upon his putt-putt skills to lace a puck through three midgets, a pair of clown shoes, and a pile of steamers, which the apparently old and incontinent goalie left in the crease. After taking this lead, the Weevils played like Gargamel and chased the wood elves up and down the ice.
The rest of the game went fairly smoothly with the exception of Skatch getting tossed for making fun of Joey McIntyre’s solo career, and Zarbs experimenting with some on ice spear fishing. The weevils net two shorthanded goals in the final minute to seal the victory. One empty net special from Bmoore and one Nasty deeker from The Whale Eye. Tom showed the little people no mercy, by winning the face-off, beating the defenseman, displacing the goalies hip and burying the bean with 9 seconds to go. Sorry Blues, but no use crying over spilled Sake.
In typical Weevil fashion, we shook hands like gentlemen signed a few autographs and began our domination of the parking lot. Many beers were downed, stories told, and lots of positive male bonding. After the majority of the Weevils left, a small excursion was made to Vincent’s Pizza to apologize for the midget tossing festival we just participated in. After a few girlie beers, we told the owner the next time we play your team of shorties perhaps you should feed them some of those special mushrooms to help them at least see over the dasher.
Another solid victory bringing the Evil Weevils to a perfect 5 and 0. It was a hard fought victory, with great efforts coming from everyone on the ice, and special thanks to Harry Potter for his fan support. So to wrap it up I guess the moral of this story is you have to be at least this tall to ride the victory train.
****DISCLAIMER****** No Knuckle children were harmed in this Weevil Production.
Go Get Them Weevils!
That is a damn Epic Novel Good Write up B!
Whatcha think Cow, Sophmore slump?
OUTSTANDING!!!
Love the write-up!
Great win guys. I wish I could have been there to help pummel the little people.
I see I don’t have to worry about leading the team in PIMs anymore. What the hell happened in the 3rd?
Can’t wait to see you all Tuesday.
Nice follow up story B….not on par with your breakthrough story, but worthy enough to hand over the team sportswriting position to you. There’s no money involved…but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness. So you’ve got that goin’ for you, which is nice.
Excellent tale of Victory! I am a little upset that “take it EASE!!” didn’t make it into the story.
Sattora take is ease, I was busy watching videos of refs sitting on goal sticks up to the hilt.
Nice write up……We are 15-4 in our last 19 regular season games
Great write up with nice movie references. I think we found our new staff writer! Keep up the great work!
PS Good game guyz minus the penalties but I’ll save those comments for the Skatch’s road report section
Did anyone like the pictures that Luda so nicely provided with my camera?
PS. when is Mr. Sattorasan (the real samurai) going to come to a game?
I didn’t they were up already but nice job! It took me almost as long to view them as it did to read B’s 2nd Epic
PS we need to make a skating video on how to get a powerful full stride and use Sattorri - text book man!
I guess you guys think it is amusing to berate the teams you play on your site. You will come to find that this will only hurt you in the long run as we will work that much more to put your faces in the dirt. Keep it up assholes.
Good stuff Mooreb, and great games guys. Intook a step backwards on the pens, will work harder to stay out.
I was getting some mean flashbacks….
Sorry Mario….
I didnt mean to hurt your tiny feelings. I made the mistake of thinking your Mommy put the keyboard up a little higher so you wouldnt be able to get to the site. well anyways…good luck with the big wheels race.
Ok, it is 7:56 by my watch how is BMoore posting articles in the future or are my superhuman time travel powers working without me summoning them? Eggs-ellent discussion! I hope we find 1 fan to replace the one we just lost as thats why we play the game…for the fans….and the free gobbbbbbaaaaggggallllllll!
PS Someone needs to bring some to throw on the ice to celebrate instead of an octopus so we can start our own tradition.
This dang time thing keeps changing! I fix it and then it changes a month down the line. WTF.
Oh, and mario? You can sukok. We really need to figure out how to market our website to more of the teams we play against. Anyone have ideas for this? Gotta get more Mario’s posting so we can have good down home discussions.
Sounds like Mario’s eggs need a shave…or at least a visit from BMoore’s Epilady!!
Mario…a couple of things:
1.) Next to berating ourselves, we DO enjoy berating the teams that we play against. I know this upsets you, especially considering all the nice things I’m sure you’ve said about us in the past. Take a leap into the ’90’s, put down the Commodore 64, and set up your own website where you can wax ecstatic about all the nice things you have to say about your opponents.
2.) As far as hurting us in the long run…maybe…but I doubt it. Are you going home at night’s now after your long day bartending at Legend’s and doing wind sprints? I doubt it. Do you park at the farthest space from the door at your Pedophiles Anonymous meetings so you can get a little extra workout during the week? No, you don’t. If you had the game to bring to the ice, you would have brought it. It is now MY goal to shove YOUR face in the dirt!! No more pity…no more mercy…no retreat, no surrender…PAIN does not exist in the dojo, does it?!?!
3.) As far as “keeping our asshole’s up”…I’m sure you’d like us to do just that, Liberace. Suck a dick.
Hugs and Kisses (figuratively speaking, of course)
You eyeballin’ me Mario. Damn good to see people getting so fired up. Weevil UFC!!!
Cow, you are the man, I have never been so proud to be a Weevil. I suggest when we shove Mario’s face in the dirt we leave his ass up, so his teammates have a place to park their big wheels.
You guys are animals and I find your words very hurtful. I have been crying inside for 2 days now.
yo Mario
First of all, you guys working harder is a Joke. I think you gave it your best effort but still fell short.
Second, none of us swing to that side of the fence so PLEASE do not try to rub our faces in your dirt. Leave that for your pre game rituals
I hope he’s got a big trunk…’cause I’m gonna put my bike in it!!
Lock it up!!
You guys are real assholes. Just so you know not everyone finds your “sense of humor” funny. No one in this league likes you guys because you’re a bunch of classless schmucks. I’ve spoken to Hart several times to ask him to remove you from this league, and I wish he would just go ahead and do it. You guys must be real proud to be a few jerks with a couple of ringers on your team playing in B/C level hockey. You guys are a disgrace to hockey. Your team has three of the dirtiest players in the league, who continually top the PIM’s leaders. In general all your players are total asses, with big mouths, with the exception of your goalie. #89 and #97 think they’re hot shit, when in reality they both suck, and only get points since they play in a lower league. They’d both be garbage in the A league. #1 is a dick for scoring with no time left and the game already over. First class. You guys are dicks from top to bottom and I look forward to you failing yet again, just like last season. Who won? Oh, thats right we were the champs and you guys were the losers. Funny how hockey mimmicks real life ey?
Just so you know…you smell like pepperoni….
By the way, try Hooked on Phonics…..it works, Mongo…
I smell bull shit, “with the exception of your goalie. #89 and #97 think they’re hot shit”
Which one was it… Bmoore or Sattora?
OK OK OK
First of all , If we can only score a shit load of points because our players are in a lower league, what does that tell you about yourself? You can’t seem to score so maybe you should drop down a league Dick!!
# 89 and # 97 are again refered to something that comes out of an ass. What the hell is your fascination with Ass? I noticed that you all skated funny which I guess is now explained!!
# 1 scoring with no time left?? Sorry bout that. If you were good enough, you could have stopped him. Not my problem that your extremely stretched asshole prevented you from skating at a speed equal to a two rabbits fucking while traveling a mile.
Our goalie is pretty quiet but that is only because you are not worthy of her speaking to you. If she is challenged she usually speaks up. Your little trickle puck firing is not enough to get her going.
Till next time Ass munchers…Try to have tighter asses next time we play you, Maybe then we can have a somewhat speedy game
I personally enjoy the banter and wish more teams would do this, especially ours. Don’t put too much into what these other two morons had to say. Nobody on our team likes them much anyway. they just can’t take losing a game, especially to lose the first game of an undefeated season. It was a well played game by both of our squads and we came up short….period. I am looking forward to meeting up again so we can try to take it back!! Good game guys….and keep up the funny shiznit!!
HAHAHA!! Man I love this Shit!
No Diddle, I did not post that about me and bmoore, nor did bmoore. I’m sorry you were not mentioned for thinking you’re “hot shit”. What a compliment.
How in the hell did that team win last season. They sure as hell didn’t beat us?
If I was giving “a chance” maybe I would be on the top of the board too!
Also, why do we always get these anonymous postings? Is it someone on our team being cute or are people really that cowardly.
That is what I was saying!
“put me in coach I can do it!” How the hell can I turn down something like that. What position and who do you want to play with? Name the deadly combination and you got it.
Diddle - Pinna - Myze
I will work my way up
Hey Luigi,
I am glad you have decided to visit our website. It’s shame you aren’t bright enough to start your own. I appreciate you calling me a ringer. I apologize for trying to do well in “our” league. Perhaps if you had practiced being taller, you wouldnt have to sit on a phonebook while driving around your go cart. As for last season be glad you didnt play us in the final. Besides you shouldnt live in the past, imagine if your mom was trying to relive her glory days as the behind the dumpster whore. I think if she could go back she take back the time your troll father pumped her full of knuckle children and 3 and 1/2 months later she shit you out half baked.
it’s sad that you cowards need to hide behind video game aliases when bashing the weevils — at least they have balls enough to type their names in the forum when responding. why not start playing nice and quit badmouthing weevil players that you are CLEARLY insanely jealous of because, let’s face it, they are simply more skilled than your team is overall. take your tampon out and stop running to “mommy” to “make the big, bad, weevils go away” whenever you lose a game.
TAKE IT EASE
THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I see the Rangers are doing well after they moved up to A/B this season no wins and 5 defeats and a 6 goals against per game average - Lucky #7 probably not happy……
Mario & Luigi -
To quote my fellow brethren: “Take it EASE.” I, for one, am equally offended by your comments. Sure some folks on the team may appear to be undisciplined, but that’s probably related to the fact that we can’t buy the referees with pizza pies. I’d like to think i am very disciplined, but when you brush up against an opponent and they fall because they can’t stand, it’s a shitty call. I mean, someone who is 4′6″ tall shouldn’t have a center of mass any higher than my knee…how does one fall? Perhaps you should’ve stuck with midget wrestling a little longer…I saw recently there were a couple of breakouts in the WWE. Maybe you can star in your own show and call it “Little People.” And, Luigi, while I think bmoore’s comments about your mother may have been a little harsh, I can’t help but think you’re the load that should have been swallowed.
We’re just out to have a good time on the ice. Part of that is winning, shaking hands, and grabbing a post-game beer. In fact, some of us even bought pizza pies after the game, so don’t accuse us of being haters. By the way, if you’re trying to pose as a Canadian, it should read “eh?” and not “ey.”
Hukt on fonix wurkt for me. you should try it out too.
See you on the ice. I’ll be the one playing a regular shift.
Geeze, don’t these oppossing teams know our goal is to berate them to the point where they come to our website and call us aholes.
trapped again
nice kill Jason, nice kill…
I propose “Take it EASE” to for now and ever forward be spelled “Teketeez”